Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

One night my driver was sitting in the taxi que in front of one of the local clubs. Out comes a woman looking not too happy at all. She gets in the cab and asks him to take her to an address in St. Louis. Before the driver can pull off, she tells him that she came to the club with her boyfriend and another couple and that her boyfriend is acting like an asshole and hitting on other women in front of her. The other couple doesn’t want to leave to take her home. She says she left her purse at the boyfriend’s house, so they need to go there because that’s where all her money is. For some reason, the driver took her.  She didn’t say anything the whole ride. They arrived at the address in St. Louis. She told the driver to wait, that she was gonna go get her purse and then he could take her to her house. The house they were in front of  was one of the older ones that has glass panes on either side of a glass front door. She walks up to the front door and peers in. Her purse is sitting on a table in the foyer. My driver thinks she must have a key. She doesn’t. She is wearing cowboy boots. She proceeds to start kicking the glass front door until she shatters it.  She goes in through the shattered door and grabs her purse from the table in the foyer,  turns around, walks back through the shattered front door, down the front sidewalk, back to the cab, gets in and tells the driver take her home to her house. The driver was sure that someone had called the police, because the neighbors were peering through their curtains watching the whole escapade. Sure enough, as they pulled off of the street, they passed a police car going to the house. They weren’t pulled over though, and she made it home, Paid her fare, plus a nice tip.

Later that week, the driver and I were in a store in St. Louis and he starts poking me. “Hey! hey!, see that girl over there? That’s the chick that kicked in the front door.”

I looked over to see this tiny little girl who weighed about 85 lbs. soaking wet. She looked like an angel.. Moral: Don’t piss off an angel in cowboy boots.

Caller: I need a cab     Me: Where are you? Caller: I don’t know  Me: What town are you in? Caller: I don’t know Me: Well I can see by the caller ID that you’re in ______________( town withheld) , so do you have an address? Caller: wait one minute…..(talking to some one else in room) hey! hey!, what is your address here?  Oh  okay. (talking to me) the address is _________. How long till you come? Me: about 15-20 minutes. Caller: ok I’ll be outside.

I arrive at the address and this 20 something guy, gets in the cab. He is covered in blood and dirt and vomit. His hair is all over the place and his nose still has leftover blood dried on it. He says “I have 35 dollars how far will that get me?”   I said “where are you TRYING to go?” He gave me a town about 70 miles away from where we were. “I ain’t gonna get you THERE. ” I said. “It’ll get you about to the shopping mall.” I had to ask what the hell happened to him. He told me he had gone to Sauget with his buddies for a night out. He was drunk and his buddies wanted to go home, he didn’t. The last thing he remembered was being at the gas station in Sauget and fighting with his buddies about not wanting to go home yet. He told his buddies “F#ck you!” and  got into a car with some black dudes, who told him they would take him to a party. He said the next thing he knew , he woke up in the backseat of a car in _______( a town 30 miles from Sauget, where I picked him up).  He went to the house the car was parked in front of, to ask to use the phone and this kid, some 12-year-old ,answered the door. He asked her could he use her phone. She asked him why he was so dirty. He told her that he woke up in the back seat of that car our there…to which she exclaimed “that’s my DAD’S car!” The kid told him her parents had just left to go shopping, but that he could come in and use the phone if he wanted. That was when he called information and got our taxi number. He said the kid told him her address and now he was sweatin’ it because he was gonna have to call his wife and have her to meet him at the shopping mall. I told him that he better not go INSIDE the mall looking like that, or you’re gonna have security on you. He looked down at his clothes , he hadn’t realized he was covered in various body fluids and dirt. “Sh*t ..how’d I get like this??…Did I get in a fight? …..Damn.” I said God must have definitely been with him to crawl out of that kid’s dad’s car unnoticed by dad. Then to have to good fortune to have the kids parents walk right by him unconscious in their car to go shopping and leave the kid home alone. He was blessed that the kid answered the door, cuz only a KID would have let his dirty bloody ass in to use the phone after learning that he had just gotten out of her dad’s car. An adult would have either beat your *ss, or called the cops. No, the kid lets you in to use the phone. “Damn…” he says” I really don’t hope my wife doesn’t kill me. Can I use your phone to call her? What am I gonna say to her??” I told him the best advice I could give him was that for the next 5-10 years, WHATEVER she says about this incident just say “Yes, dear…”